McCain Chooses VP Who Has Boldly Defended The Right Of Polar Bears To Go Extinct
Allowing a full twelve hours to pass after the Democratic Convention’s dust settled before making his announcement, Republican prez nominee John McCain released the name of his running mate this morning: Alaska’s governor Sarah Palin. McCain praised her for her buck-the-system approach to local politics during her rather short stint as governor. And shrewdly eyeing those potential Hillary-minded swing votes, he added, “Did I also mention she has a vagina?”
During her two years as governor, Palin, the very second female to appear on a major party ticket, has “lobbied aggressively to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling, pushed for more drilling off of Alaska’s coasts, and put special interests above science.” Which isn’t a big surprise from a self-proclaimed creationist, for whom “science” apparently holds fairly little sway.
Most recently, Palin, whose husband, by complete and totally, utterly, utter coincidence, works for the oil industry, sued the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to get polar bears taken off the Endangered Species list. Sued that tree-hugging hippie George W. Bush for going soft on polar bears. Palin prefers the tough-love, “growing up in a literally melting habitat with your food supply rapidly disappearing gives you bears a little character” attitude. Even without her running mate being the oldest in American history, having this person a breath away from the executive office is a little scary. But at least she might help give “moose burgers” the heretofore completely unrealized popularity in the continental states they’ve so richly deserved.
Shocking Choice by John McCain, Says Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund (WSJ)
A formal Environmental Protection Agency official recently informed Congress that U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney's office has been using the “delete” key to their advantage. Last year, they reportedly edited a testimony by the Centers for Disease Control at length to diminish negative public health effects of climate change. 
This can’t be good. Twenty-six dolphins who have been found dead on a British coastline appear to have “committed suicide”, according to a leading scientist. Instead of using power tools and lying down in front of lawn mowers ala The Happening, the dolphins have chosen the less cinematic but very unpleasant sounding death-by-eating-too-much-garbage-and-mud. “Very bizarre indeed” is how veterinary wildlife pathologist Vic Simpson described it, which I assume is British scientist-speak for “This is totally fucking freaky and horrifying.” The dolphins left no suicide note, nor had they been writing a lot of gloomy poetry about photographs in the rain and the sound of flowers crying. So the lingering question scientists can’t seem to answer is, why?
On May 15, the Bush Administration announced that polar bears may now be listed as "threatened" under the Endangered Species Act. Unfortunately, Congress is insisting that the new laws aren't abused to affect other related issues such as, oh, protecting WHERE POLAR BEARS LIVE. 
Well... it's a start. On Monday, the White House met with a group of GOP conservatives to discuss supporting a limited cap on greenhouse gasses, among other climate change proposals. However, the idea was poorly received. 
A new species of fish has been discovered off the coast of Indonesia that would rather crawl then swim. Oh, you know what else is crawling? My skin. The fish is part of the Anglerfish family, famous for their leg-like appendages and lures that grow out of their forehead, which they like to wiggle. *shudder*
Here's the good news: a new painless Brazilian Wax is quickly gaining international interest. Here's the bad news (at least for the ladies) - it's actually a Brazilian Wax for your car, and this new method is easing the strain on the environment. An ingenious brand called DryWash, based out of Brazil, has developed a way to wash every part of a car without using water or harmful chemicals. DryWash removes dirt from cars using a small pad infused with organic Carnauba wax.
A “downer” in meat industry terms refers to a cow that is diseased or injured and can't stand up. Sound delicious? Some employees at Westland/Hallmark Meat Packing Co. in Chino, CA apparently think so. That's how the Humane Society of the United States caught video footage of sick and injured cows being pushed with forklifts, dragged with chains and poked in the face with cattle prods to help them along to the slaughter box. It violates federal regulations to slaughter “downer” cattle, seeing as they pose a higher risk of E. Coli, salmonella contamination and everyone's favorite cow disease, mad cow disease. Two workers face animal abuse charges, 200 workers have been laid off by the plant, and 143 million pounds of beef are being recalled.