I know it’s weird, sounds a little paranoid and Body Snatchers, but I just figured it out. After all, they’re the richest company on the planet – they can afford it. And I’m talking about everybody. You know that loud uncle of yours with the bumper sticker that says “You can take my gun… out of my cold dead hands!” and blames liberals for his failed vitamin business? On Exxon’s payroll.
What tipped me off was a recent article on an Al Gore spoof that popped up on YouTube. It’s a crudely produced cartoon of Al Gore brainwashing penguins and boring movie audiences blah-blah-blah’ing about warming trends and Lindsay Lohan’s waistline. Seems like the typical thing a regular guy with some Flash skills might do for a laugh. A reminder that Hollywood can spend big bucks making a glossy movie about the environment starring their hero Al Gore, but the little guy in middle America can see right through the hype.
But when that liberal rag the Wall Street Journal tried to interview the creator, “Toutsmith,” they made an interesting discovery:
Toutsmith didn't answer when asked who he was or why he made the video, which has just over 59,000 views on YouTube. However, computer routing information contained in an email sent from Toutsmith's Yahoo account indicated it didn't come from an amateur working out of his basement. Instead, the email originated from a computer registered to DCI Group, a Washington, D.C., public relations and lobbying firm whose clients include oil company Exxon Mobil Corp.
Even more interesting, the traffic that the video got on YouTube is due largely in part to a prominently placed ad on search engines such as Google, which was pulled after the WSJ contacted Touty-boy. So, apparently Exxon has moved way beyond paying the odd scientist to poo-poo climate change. This is a full-court press. And I want in on the action.
Therefore, this is a message to ExxonMobil Corp. and DCI Group: While you couldn’t pay me enough to deny the facts on global warming in the pages of Sludgie, that doesn’t mean I can’t be bought. I’ve made a short list of possible marketing methods that could be employed through me (and I took the liberty of adding a suggested price tag, though terms are completely negotiable...)
1. Draw a stick-figure sketch of Al Gore raping a penguin, with the humorous inscription “Al Gore Likes To Rape Penguins,” to tape up in the bathroom of the local high school: $200,000.00
2. Mumble about “global warming crackpots” while flipping through USA Today in line at my local 7-11: $150,000.00
3. Drink too much Riesling and give a surly lecture to family members at the dinner table about how “all the scientists” agree that human-affected climate change is “just a load of hogwash!”: $115,000.00
4. Loudly declare “Gimme a break!” with Stosselesque intonation when I’m channel-surfing alone in my living room and a collapsing glacier appears on the screen: $10,000.00
Obviously, these are just suggestions and the specifics are flexible. I look forward to hearing from you.